Strategies to Deal with Discrimination & Stigma
Strategies to Deal with Discrimination & Stigma avatar

Posted on May 25, 2013 by Lee Beckstead, Ph.D.

Victim Stage: Not recognizing mistreatment, being powerless, &/or trying to be like the majority or please the majority to minimize distress losing power
Accept what you are told about yourself and life without question
Try to fit in to belong: Deny, reject, suppress, or sacrifice aspects of self (feelings, needs, opinions, dreams) and adapt self to the majority in trade for the chance of approval, closeness, success, and relief and avoid rejection and loss of status
Try to find relief and control through coping strategies that avoid conflicts (not knowing the long-term eventual failure or problem of these strategies or other powerful solutions)
See yourself as the problem and take all responsibility in fixing it. Not many of us want to see ourselves as victims or see others, especially those we care for, as flawed. For example, most children will blame themselves when bad things happen or relationships go rocky. This gives a sense of “control” by helping to make sense of things and provide a purpose to “make things better,” but it also misleads and damages through shame.
Worry, ruminate, or focus constantly on fixing the conflict or figuring out the problem, which cannot be solved in your head, by yourself, in that moment, or in the way you hope (for example, by being the perfect child to compensate for “flaws” or difference)
Isolate from yourself (through denial, compartmentalizing life, being self-critical) or others (avoid, withdraw, lie) to manage distress
See the solution to your problems as only in the hands, actions, and changes of others or changing yourself to fit in with them.
Suffer, hoping others will notice and change their ways to help you.
Base your actions solely on the reactions you expect from others. Because you cannot control the reactions of others, you are constantly set up to feel bad and out of control.

Survivor Stage: Developing stigma competence (that is, emotional, physical, psychological, and/or verbal self-defense) and seeing yourself separate from society’s negative view of you
Explore and reevaluate who you are and what you’ve learned: Develop self-knowledge, self-compassion, & self-direction
Explore and examine information from varied sources to obtain a comprehensive view of you, the situation, problem, or issue, and thus have more options
Question authority and judgments about you
Externalize “the problem” rather than seeing yourself as only the problem
Confront shame—what are the lies or inaccurate/false information? Identify what is right and wrong for you. Know your truth (for example, “Emperor’s clothes”). Realize only you are the best authority on you
Acknowledge to self the oppression and attack on self: Bear witness to your own experience/pain/growth
Understand and attribute negative outcomes to prejudice or discrimination (reduce shame, “I am not the cause of this; it’s discrimination’s fault”)
Compare yourself and your concerns with others who share the impact of stigma
Acknowledge to self the wounds and effects of oppression: Develop self-compassion
Acknowledge and honor how you’ve coped: See your coping as sincere attempts for power, meeting needs, and doing the best you can with the knowledge you had
Challenge the stigma and those who stigmatize – Stand up to them inside or outwardly
Reevaluate and replace self-denigrating beliefs by identifying faulty reasoning. Reject false beliefs and norms from the majority that don’t fit you
Receive and look for positive & accurate information to replace the former false beliefs
Get angry at how you’ve been treated and set limits so you are not mistreated again: Express to others how the stigma affects you negatively (they may not know)
Set, defend boundaries (reclaim/protect what is yours): Develop a range of skills to do so
Express more aspects of self that have been oppressed: Spend time focusing on exploring and expressing these aspects (for example, reject heterosexual norms and adopt societal LGBT norms: LGBT Pride and/or self-pride)
Meet others like yourself: Spend more time searching for and relating to similar others
Know and protect your inherent rights (and pursue developmental rites)
Know your needs and be creative in acting on them
Fight for yourself by fighting against others’ attack on you
Continue to look to the majority or others to change so that you can feel better

Thriver Stage: Developing your own unique, positive, and complex identity, power, and perspective
Continue to validate more of “the whole package” of you: Participate in more things that are centered on your values, needs, dreams, & strengths
Seek more internal and external integration:  Live less compartmentalized; life is not “either-or.” Develop all aspects of yourself simultaneously and/or sequentially
Come to terms what is and what cannot be (for example, not all choices are possible) & what you don’t know (that is, let go of false hopes, unsolvable agendas; see ambiguities)
Grieve losses & “impossible selves”: Acknowledge what you lost or cannot have, adapt by focusing on your needs, be creative in adjusting, and reinvest with new wisdom
Use your self-knowledge and wisdom to make choices for you
Decide which norms or beliefs fit you and are essential to your survival and growth: Live by your own self-informed norms, ethics, values, virtues, and goals
Dream realistically, but dream and dream creatively.
Develop more emotional, physical, and verbal self-defense: Strengthen confidence in supporting yourself in the face of attack, focusing on validating yourself and being open to understanding versus allowing others to violate your space and/or trying to change their mind to feel safe or powerful
Develop internal strength: Look inside for support/validation when others cannot
Grant autonomy to others but be responsible for protecting self, boundaries, and rights
Find and enjoy many communities and affiliations that represent as many aspects of you
Diversify your experiences, relationships, and communities to expand knowledge, self, and support: Look beyond binaries and “good” and “bad”
Realize you can’t “fit in” anywhere truly, live autonomously with others
See and enjoy more of the ambiguities, paradoxes, and complexities of you, others, & life: Appreciate not knowing (that is, explore the unknown—terrifying but exciting because you trust you can support yourself enough through it)
Stigma has less power in your life but you see it in others and take action
Act courageously on behalf of others (that is, see the injustice and violation and take a stand): Fight for yourself and others instead of against others.

Handout developed by Lee Beckstead, Ph.D., Aspen Grove Counseling, adapted from various sources.

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It’s Spring!
It’s Spring! avatar

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Angela Jette Swanson, Ph.D.

It finally feels like winter is over. As we move into spring and experience the changing seasons, I’ve been talking with clients about what Dr. William Doherty, psychologist and marriage therapist at the University of Minnesota, calls the Minnesota winter of marriage. He says, “I now think of long-term marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we’ve hit a rough spot in a marriage that’s actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter its own winter at some point. So do we just keep moving on, or do we make our stand now–with this person, in this season?”As the days get warmer and longer, I hope you enjoy this hopeful season. I encourage you to consider the possibility of growth and change with so many reminders all around.

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Caring Behaviors
Caring Behaviors avatar

Posted on April 28, 2013 by Brigg Noyes, Ph.D.

One of the most important things in a relationship is to feel cared about by your partner. It is also one of the first things to go when you are experiencing frequent stress or conflict in your relationship. When you experience your partner doing something thoughtless or unkind it is often very easy to quickly move to a place of feeling like your partner does not care about, appreciate, or even love you.

Typically, however, it is not the case that your partner does not care about you. Rather, they may be temporarily focused on their own needs or, as happens frequently, expressing their care in a way that is different from how you would ideally like to receive care. This can lead you to at times not even notice when your partner is expressing love or care.

It therefore can be important for you to tell your partner specifically what leads you to feel cared about. The following exercise is a way to help you identify and communicate about those things that lead you to feel loved and cared about.

Using the following statements, make a list of at least 15 primarily small things your partner can do to make you feel cared about:

“I feel loved and cared about when you . . .”
“I used to feel close to you when you . . .”
“I would feel appreciated by you if you . . .”

Your statements should be specific, detailed, and positive.

Specific: I feel cared about when you give me a hug and kiss before you leave for work in the morning.
Not specific: I feel loved when you give me a nice good-bye.

Detailed: I would feel cared about if you spent 30 minutes talking with me every night before we go to sleep.
Not detailed: I would feel loved if you talked to me at night.

Positive: I used to feel loved when we went for walks together on the weekend.
Not positive: I used to feel cared about when you spent less time at work.

Note the behaviors that are most important to you, and give this list to your partner. Ask your partner to choose items off of the list that they are comfortable doing for you. Be sure to acknowledge and thank your partner when they do one of these things. Ask your partner to make a list as well.

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Guidelines for Successful Conflict Resolution
Guidelines for Successful Conflict Resolution avatar

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Lee Beckstead, Ph.D.

BEFORE THE CONFLICT

Normalize conflict and don’t view it as a sign of impending doom or dysfunction in your relationship. It’s natural for all couples to have disagreements, even those deeply in love and closely compatible.

Early in the process of forming an intimate or committed relationship, consciously agree upon a set of mutually agreeable guidelines for fair fighting – use the following list or make your own.

As your relationship evolves, periodically review your fair-fighting guidelines and recommit or negotiate modifications. Don’t wait until you face a serious conflict to discover your rules have become outdated!

Designate a “fighting place” that is mutually agreed upon in advance. It’s best if this place is NOT the bedroom or any place that is associated with special/shared/intimate activities.

Create daily routines where you “earn points” with the other by emotionally or physically connecting (examples: showing interest in the other’s daily activities, affectionately greeting each other, enjoying a particular activity together, making plans or dreaming together, celebrating triumphs, etc.) These daily rituals soften the blow when conflicts arise.

Develop an emotional “poop detector” by not letting resentments or problems build up. Develop a ritual of meeting weekly to clear up any messes.

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CONFLICT

Try to confine yourself to one issue at a time. Chaining together a backlog of gripes can make smaller, more manageable conflicts seem unsolvable.

Make it clear that this conflict is a bid for connection and describe what you want (your partner’s attention, interest, support, acceptance, understanding, enthusiasm, validation, affection, humor, advice, etc.)

Soften complaints by expressing appreciation for what your partner has done right in the past.

Distinguish if this is a solvable problem (which are resolved through talking, brainstorming solutions, and negotiating compromises) or a perpetual problem (which will resurface over and over again due to partners’ personalities, never to be changed, and requires finding ways to feel understood and respected).

Both parties must be motivated to resolve the conflict in question; if either is unwilling or unmotivated to face the realities of the conflict (core issues, behaviors, consequences) and work toward mutually acceptable decisions, then the resolve will be incomplete.

DURING THE ARGUMENT

Own your part of the conflict
When defining the argument, each needs to clearly state how they are contributing to the conflict and take responsibility for their feelings vs. blaming the other (examples: “I’m sorry. I know I get too angry when we talk about this and I know it makes it hard to resolve this”; “When we talk about our problems and you interrupt me, I feel frustrated and afraid because I think you don’t care about me or what I’m saying”).

Recognize that your pattern of approaching conflict or even the reason why you are fighting this particular issue may reflect unresolved concerns from past relationships that are being projected onto your current relationship. Strive to create a more accurate image of your partner, yourself, and the situation.

Don’t just discuss the issue; talk about what the issue means for each of you. Express wants, needs, and feelings behind requests, which may cause more vulnerability but create more understanding.

Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking or needing; never assume or predict how your partner will react or what your partner will accept or reject. Clarify all assumptions with your partner.

Monitor the process (content and flow) of the conflict discussion
Dialogue instead of debate the issues. That is, shift from an adversarial mode (attack-defend) to an admitting mode (seeing your responsibility in the problem/argument) and then to a collaborative mode (both come up with ways to improve their discussion of the issue). Strive to achieve win-win compromises. Be creative and challenge the belief that resolution requires a winner and a loser.

Request direction and specific instructions from the other on how the situation can be improved (examples: “What do I do that bothers you that I could change?” What do you need from me to make this feel better?”).

Improve the discussion by showing appreciation (e.g., “I see your point.” “One thing I admire about you regarding this conflict is…” “Thank you for …”).

Get to “Yes” by accepting influence (e.g., “I agree with part of what you are saying.” “Let’s compromise.”  “Let’s find our common ground on this.” “I never thought of things that way.” “I think your point of view makes sense.” “Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.”).

Slow down if your interchanges become reactive or impulsive & respect silences that allow each to collect thoughts or regain emotional composure (e.g., “I’m having a difficult time thinking when you raise your voice” “Let’s stop for a while, I’m feeling flooded” “My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.” “I want to be gentler with you right now and I don’t know how.” “Let me start again in a softer way.” “We are getting off track. Let’s start all over.”).

Distinguish intention from impact. For a variety of reasons, words or behaviors may have a different impact on the receiving partner than was intended by the sending partner. It’s often helpful to verbalize what you have heard from your partner (to cross-check for accuracy) before responding yourself.

Make “repair questions” by checking in with the other regarding the process, showing concern, and pulling the other back into the conversation in a new way (example: “You got really sour. What just happened?” “I can see this is important to you. Help me understand.”).

Establish an “escape clause” in advance that stipulates that either partner may unilaterally call a “time-out” – without veto from the other partner.

Short time-outs can be effective to regain perspective and cool off. If a long time-out is requested, the partner making that request accepts responsibility for proposing the next time to continue the discussion.

Limit attempts at conflict resolution to a maximum of 1 hour at a time – recognize that fatigue sets in after an hour of intense emotional exchange and issues begin to “recycle.”

Learn to break conflict resolution into manageable increments – accept that complex or longstanding issues may require many hours (or “segments”) to resolve.

If a conflict has not been resolved at the end of a segment, establish a mutually agreeable time to meet again and continue the dialogue.

Consider seeking a third party to assist you in your efforts to resolve your conflict(s) if you remain stuck – or tape record your difficult discussions and review the tape later when you both have gained distance or perspective that may allow you to identify constructive suggestions.

AFTER THE CONFLICT

At the end of each conflict resolution segment, each partner should offer at least one positive comment (or constructive feedback) about yourself, the other person, AND the process.

Repair after a fight (called a “recovery conversation”). Explore what kind of conversation each needed to have but didn’t (“What can we do in order to make this better next time we talk about this issue?”).

Use mutual agreements and resolution of specific segments of a larger conflict as building blocks for further success. Do not overlook the significance of acknowledging even small successes at achieving resolution.

Information Compiled By: Lee Beckstead, PhD & Jim Struve, LCSW (adapted from Four Steps To Conflict Resolution” by Friedman, Relationship Cure by Gottman, The Art of Fighting by Weeks & Hof, and After the Fight by Wile).

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Learning to Be Comfortable with Negative Emotion
Learning to Be Comfortable with Negative Emotion avatar

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Lindy Burton, LCSW

On Fridays, Mark and I split the work day and tend our four month old granddaughter.  When her face lights up with a huge toothless grin, or she bursts into a laugh, my entire body feels the joy and wants to engage her more.  However, when she is distressed and crying, I am immediately seeking ways to stop her upset.  Her cry tells me that something is wrong and it is my job to fix it! Emotion is the only way our darling granddaughter can communicate, and it is my job as the care-giver to solve the problem for the infant.

With this universal experience as the introduction to parenthood, no wonder as our children grow and mature we experience strong reactions to their emotion.  When they experience pleasure or joy, it gives us a sense of relief, we have done our jobs.  However, when they experience distress, we may immediately try to “solve the problem”.  This desire comes from the best of intentions as we learned that this is our role from day one.

As a therapist who works with parents and children, I frequently see children who have low self esteem because their parents are still working from the model of trying to solve the child’s negative emotions.  This well intentioned desire hurts the child and the parents as the child does not get a chance to develop a tolerance for negative emotion, as well as a sense that they can handle their feelings.

Our lack of ability to handle emotion without rushing to fix it, or trying to talk someone out of their feelings, or even ignoring negative emotion, is frequently the underlying cause of many relationship difficulties.  We end up trying to solve our partner’s emotion as well as our children’s feelings.

If we were to examine some of the most common problematic behaviors that are experienced in our society, it is clear that many of these behaviors have developed as a way to cope with negative emotion.  Whether it is excessive drinking, eating, shopping, TV watching, or working, many of our addictions come from our discomfort, and inability to sit with, and listen to our emotion.

If our parents did not feel comfortable with our negative emotions, how can we begin to have a road map for dealing with difficult emotion? It is a matter of learning and implementing new skills.  If you want to learn how to become comfortable with negative emotion, the book The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman, Ph. D., is a good place to start.  Additionally, working with a qualified therapist on emotion coaching can also be very helpful.  When you have learned to provide empathy and compassion, without the need to fix or dismiss negative emotion, you will find a new level of connection with those you love.

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Why communication in a relationship is essential, even when it is just about the “small stuff.”
Why communication in a relationship is essential, even when it is just about the “small stuff.” avatar

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Brigg Noyes, Ph.D.

It seems obvious, but one of the main things that gets people in trouble in a relationship is difficulty communicating. Problems with communication often are a result of one person assuming he is speaking clearly, but then feeling like his partner is misunderstanding him. As he tries to clarify what he is saying, his partner often begins to feel attacked or criticized, leading her to defend herself. Instead of realizing that a miscommunication is occurring, things often escalate (sometimes quickly!) because each feels misunderstood, criticized, hurt, and uncared for. As emotions run high, it becomes less and less likely that couples can communicate about what is really bothering them. Instead, they end up fighting to be “right” because if your partner will admit that he is wrong and you are right, then that is a (albeit generally unsatisfactory) form of being understood. The problem is that it becomes difficult for this to happen without one person “giving in” and, eventually, becoming resentful about having to give in.

The reality is that usually there is validity to what each person is saying, especially if you are able to figure out what is really important about the issue being discussed. As an example, it is common for couples to have conflict about household duties, such as doing the dishes (eg, when they should be done, whose turn it is, whose responsibility it is, when it is done enough). While all couples need to be able to negotiate these types of conflicts, there may be other “hidden” emotional issues at play that also need to be addressed. For example, one person may feel disrespected when her partner chooses to put her plate by the sink rather than clean it immediately. Conversely, her partner may feel uncared for when she is expected to clean her dish immediately rather than being able to relax. Certainly on the face of it, deciding exactly how and when the dishes should be done is a “silly” and seemingly insignificant issue, but these types of interactions are frequently laced with significant emotional meaning.

Couples need to learn how to deal with conflict effectively, constructively, respectfully, and immediately. If issues are “let go” because they seem like they are not a big deal, this is a breeding ground for resentment. When someone chooses not to communicate about a small issue that is bothering him, he is essentially making the subconscious assumption that his partner “can’t handle it” or “doesn’t care enough to really listen to my issues.” Over time, these assumptions essentially become true because we begin to view our partners through the lens of what we believe about them, rather than the reality of what they are actually doing or what their intentions are. This can occur even if there has never been a word spoken about it! It is easy to assume that the other is not capable of ever understanding (or no longer caring about) you, but you can never really know for sure until you are able to speak honestly and openly about what is bothering you.

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What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger avatar

Posted on March 9, 2013 by Angela Jette Swanson, Ph.D.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson crooning her popular song “Stronger” and thought about all the research that’s been done with trauma survivors. It turns out difficult times can make us stronger.  Tough life events affect everyone.  It is normal to feel symptoms of depression and anxiety after a particularly stressful event. It is also possible to use the traumatic event as an opportunity for growth. We know that some people develop PTSD after trauma. What you might not realize is that most people bounce back after a while and return to feeling pretty normal. Some people end up stronger and better off a year later than they were before the stressful event.  So, how do we turn a traumatic experience into an opportunity for growth?
1. Realize intense feelings are normal. The first thing to do is cut yourself some slack. It’s totally normal to feel intense feelings of sadness, intrusive thoughts, and anxiety for a while. Give yourself some time to feel all those feelings.
2. Talk about it with supportive people. It’s helpful to surround yourself with supportive people and talk about your experience. Tell the story of your experience. Dr. Martin Seligman, father of Positive Psychology, and author or “Flourish”, calls this “creating a trauma narrative”.  This is your chance to make sense of the experience in ways that promote growth.  Consider both your vulnerability and your strength; your grief and gratitude.  Think about the ways you utilized your personal strengths, relationships improved, and your spirituality was strengthened.
3. Use the experience as an opportunity for growth. Notice increased appreciation for your life and relationships and the opportunities that are now open to you. Recognize that experiencing stressful life events gives us the opportunity to developed deeper compassion and wisdom.

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LISTENING INVENTORY
LISTENING INVENTORY avatar

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Lee Beckstead, Ph.D.

Knowledge and awareness are the first steps toward skill development. Let’s take a look at how well you listen today. This assessment will make you aware of the wide spectrum of listening behaviors. Carefully consider each question and indicate whether or not you consistently demonstrate each behavior. Then, check your responses with the answer key on the next page and total your score.

DO YOU:
Think about what you are going to say while the speaker is talking?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Tune out people who say things you don’t agree with or don’t want to hear?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Learn something from each person you meet, even if it is ever so slight?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Keep eye contact with the person who is speaking?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Become self-conscious in one-to-one or small group conversations?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Often interrupt the speaker?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Fall asleep or daydream during meetings or presentations?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Restate instructions or messages to be sure you understand correctly?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Allow the speaker to vent negative feelings toward you without becoming defensive or physically tense?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Listen for the meaning behind the speaker’s words through gestures and facial expressions?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Feel frustrated or impatient when communicating with persons from other cultures?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Inquire about the meaning of unfamiliar words or jargon?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Give the appearance of listening when you are not?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

 
Listen to the speaker without judging or criticizing?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Start giving advice before you are asked?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Ramble on before getting to the point?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Take notes when necessary to help you remember?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Consider the state of the person you are talking to (nervous, rushed, tired, hearing impaired, etc.)?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Let a speaker’s physical appearance or mannerisms distract you from listening?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Remember a person’s name after you have been introduced?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Assume you know what the speaker is going to say and stop listening?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Feel uncomfortable allowing silence between you and your conversation partner?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Ask for feedback to make sure you are getting across to the other person?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Preface your statement with unflattering remarks about yourself?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

Think more about building warm working relationships with team members and customers than about bringing in revenue?
Yes, consistently         No, almost never      Sometimes

SCORING: Compare your answers with those on the chart below. For every answer that matches the key, give yourself one point. If you answered “Sometimes” to any of the questions, score half a point. Total the number of points.

1-N     2-N     3-Y     4-Y     5-N

6-N     7-N     8-Y     9-Y     10-Y

11-N   12-Y   13-N   14-Y   15-N

16-N   17-Y   18-Y   19-N   20-Y

21-N   22-N  23-Y   24-N  25-Y

Total points: ______

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Dealing with a Harsh Winter
Dealing with a Harsh Winter avatar

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Stephanie Bank, LCSW

For those of us living in Utah, we are used to the winter. The snow, the cold weather, and the inversion are all old news around here, but we are not used to living with those conditions all at once and for so long. The past month has been hard, and is wearing for even the most die-hard winter fans. Here are a few ideas for getting through these dreary days.
-Rise above it . . . literally! Get to a higher elevation where you are out of the inversion and feeling the sun again. It’s amazing what a little sun can do for us all.
-Guided Imagery: It’s not quite the same as actually sitting on the beach, but using guided imagery is great for relaxing and putting our minds in a different state.
-Make sure to use all your senses and imagine the sun on your skin, the sounds of the ocean, the taste of the salty air, and the beautiful scenery of any place you’d love to be.
-A quick escape: Reading, funny shows or movies, or other light-hearted entertainment can help pass some time and laughter is always helpful!
-Self care: Increasing your self care can also be helpful. Get extra exercise, take a yoga class, use your favorite scented lotion, snuggle with a loved one, or take a hot bubble bath. Whatever it is that makes you feel good, try to increase it during these rough days.
We also have to remember that “this too shall pass” and pretty soon we will be wondering how to deal with the Utah heat.

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Chill Out!
Chill Out! avatar

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Angela Jette Swanson, Ph.D.

I’m not talking about the weather. I’m talking about calming down when you are fighting. If your fights are escalating to the point that one or both of you feels overwhelmed, you could be experiencing diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). Dr. John Gottman (www.gottman.com) calls this flooding. Our bodies react to threat the same way they did in the cave man days. Back then, the threat was physical (think saber tooth tiger). When we faced physical threat, our bodies responded with a pumping heart and quick breaths sending all the blood and oxygen to our limbs. This was a great survival strategy that prepared us for fight or flight.  While flooding works well for physical threat, it’s not great when the threat is relational stress (partner yelling, child throwing a tantrum, teenager being disrespectful). When we have conflict with our loved ones, we need the blood and oxygen in our brains rather than our limbs. When we are flooded, it is nearly impossible to do the things necessary to repair our relationship (see things from the other person’s perspective, empathize, validate, compromise).  Our best strategy for dealing with flooding is to take a good break and calm down. Here are the steps:
1. Recognize you are flooded (feel overwhelmed, can’t think straight, feel like running away).
2. Ask for a time out. If your partner asks for a break – agree to it.
3. Separate for at least 20 minutes but not more than a couple of hours.
4. Distract and think of positive things. Avoid thinking about the fight. Do not focus on distressing thoughts.
5. Do something that calms you (exercise, shower, listen to calming music, pet your dog)
6. When you are calm, resume the conversation. THIS STEP IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Your partner needs to know you will come back and repair the relationship.

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